Let It Ride

Las Vegas! Spanish for The Fertile Valleys. Whoever named the place obviously never went there. It's in the middle of the desert. No valleys, no fertility. There are lots of hookers though. So maybe "fertile valleys" refers to them.

So we left on Friday and drove across the border into Nevada. It took about 5 hours but we got to see some of the strangest parts of America. I mean, real white trash sort of stuff. Where people have more guns than teeth. We stopped at a gas station and someone had put up a sign saying:

Stolen - Dark blue Ford Taurus
No Engine, no transmission, no hood, and part of the roof is missing.
Reward: $2000

I wasn't quite sure which part of that to be confused by first. The fact that some guy was willing to pay $2000 for the return of a car worth about 75 cents, or that someone had stolen it in the first place. And how they took it when it didn't have a freaking engine! Here's my advice to the poor guy - take that reward money, buy a new car so that you and your wife/cousin will have a place to keep your baby until he's old enough to become a serial killer. Too harsh?

Anyway, as we approach vegas, i see this billboard reading:- "What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas!" More of a threat than an advertisement, really. So I start getting excited, because you can feel the possibility in the air. There are pictures of old women fanning themselves with wads of cash next to signs saying, "Doris won $1,000,000 in Vegas - so can you!"

We were staying at the Hilton, which is off the strip, but it was cheap and nothing is ever too far away in Vegas. I discovered soon after our arrival that the Hilton's big drawcard is their Star Trek Dining Experience, where you go and drink Klingon juice and get served by Borgs and crap like that. But every nerd in America goes there and puts more work into their costumes than the wait staff, and they talk for eons about who was a better Captain - Picard or Kirk? Which is sad, really, because everyone knows it's Picard. Duh.

So we hit the gambling floor and it's game on! I have a budget if $100 that I tell myself I don't mind losing. But here's the thing. In Vegas, as long as you're gambling the drinks are free. You heard correctly, free! Which means that if a cocktail waitress is passing you, all you have to do is face the nearest slot machine, put in a couple of cents, and order away! The catch is, of course, the drunker you get the more you think that lady luck has her hand down your pants, and the more recklessly you gamble. You win again, Vegas!

So I hit a game called Let it Ride. A poker based game, which is heaps of fun. I light up a cigar and suck on my vodka tonic and bet safe but regularly, and I become one of them. And every time I get a good hand, the guy next to me would turn and say, "Hey, nice work, kid." And the attractive woman hanging from the arm of the Asian businessman at the other end of the table would wink at me and say, "Oooh, look at you!" Yes, look at me. I am invincible. I am Frank Sinatra. I am Cool Hand Luke. I am...flat broke. Waitress!...

So after a bit of gambling we went to the clubs. I was still feeling unstoppable after my impressive loss at the Let it Ride table, so I walked right past the hundred or so people waiting in line at this club straight up to the bouncer and say, "20 bucks to skip this line?" And he nods and unclips the velvet rope and I pull that move. You know the move you see in movies where you put the money in your hand and then you shake the other guy's hand and pass the money to him through the handshake. That's what I did. I was so money, baby.

And the rest is what you expect. We drank, we gambled, we went to Studio 54 and picked up a bunch of dancers from the Las Vegas Ballet Company (who were currently perfoming in "Dracula - The Arena Spectacular). The days were filled with buffets and sipping Margaritas by the pool, and the nights...what can I say? People go to Vegas to party. They forget all the bullshit they left back home, and go to drink free booze, and meet cheap women and try to win enough money to start all over again. I can see why so many movies and songs are written about the place.

I'd tell you more, but what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.